to have kids to look after us when we are old...
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Just as a bank account, if faith/hope/positivity/love kept being withdrawn and not being consistently added back. It will empty out the largest bank account. No one is saying that they are evil, but their behaviour as adults is rather disappointing, selfish and I know my husband is a self-serving man. It just got worse over the years. For example: I know he wanted to buy a large masonette, but the real reason is his: 1. vanity 2. for his parents 3. for his nieces and nephews to come over and play in the large space 4. to avoid seeing my ugly face which where the reasons he throw in my face which he later denied saying. No where in there, stated its our house for our future. So in this house I paid for, I get only 1 room. The rest of the house is occupied by his family. When I placed my items in the other parts of the house, I get negative feedback from my MIL so after months or repetivity nagging, I had to move everything to my room.
i understand that all they are doing is out of love for their family. Unfortunately, I also recognise there is control issues that the MIL want to exert that she's still the boss of the house regardless and I am expected to submit to her will and she does it in a manner that breeds resentment and negativity by spewing accussations and putting her nose into our issues thinking she knows the full stroy and she knows the best.I did not appreciate that my husband talks to her more than he talks to me. Worse is when I didn;t ask for her opinion nor help but she butts in and starts a statement like "Are you trying to kill my son by asking him to fetch you to and from work?" To which I replied, my husband did not represent me correctly. I always reject his offers but he always insists and in the end I know he's tired and so I get him tonics and vitamins. But most time, I get tired of such accussations and refused to answer because I just feel insulted, tired from stress and think that she's bloody nonsense.
The other is that my husband will forever be a mommy boy who refused to grow up and take any responsibilities and seriously if you ever see them, yeah, to me they talk about everything and anything and its something a man talks with his wife. To me he treats his mom has a wife and I am compared to her "idea" which will always fall short cause i am not her. He also seek comfort in his mommy because he choose not to let her go just as she refused to let him grow - which creates an ideal scene. Unlike the oldest brother who broke free from his mommy to be with his new family. Therefore, to me, his brother although is hot tempered, had carried responsibilities and is more mature regarding relationships. He had advised my husband to not be so cold to everyone. But my husband - he claims that he is as he is, he shall never change for anything but he had commanded me to change. I tried and that made me unhappy because it will never be his idea and its a f**k moving target to begin. He flip flop all the time. And I lost my inner peace in the process. I started to feel unworthy, negative and unhappy all the time - it took a long time to realise what's wrong. Its only recently that I started reading up on some teachings that I gained perspective.
Its easy to jump to conclusions based on reading these posts but I am trying to state an example of what kind of extreme people go into to ensure that their kids take care of them in their old age. And its human nature that i see that people acted in such a unsavoury way. I don't know who is the one who is not clear about things but it was a learning process for me. I don't know about him. he just seem too eager to leave the marriage and most of the time, the reason is his mom's unhappy with me.
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Originally posted by mistyblue:
She said it just before Chinese New Year. She's even complained about me to my mom. she claims I do not cook and clean and wash their clothes. I got home one wek and my mom asked my why i didn't do the housework. I told my mom that when i cooked, the MIL said i was trying to kill her as she thinks i don't cook to her taste and she thinks its too salty. When I wash, my MIL complains that i purposely make the clothes crumpled that they have to iron the clothes. When i clean the house, she claims that my cleaning cause the ants to invade the house but i explained that because they ahd been aloowed to eat anywhere they choose and they drop food all over the place and leave cultery all over the house, the ants create a trail and when i disrupt the trail, the run all over and therefore, ants seems to have invaded the house. But its always been there.
Anyways, both in-laws felt justified to curse my mother. My husband felt his parents done no wrong and its all my fault. Then he told me during CNY that if he visits my parents and pretend to sit around for 2 hours, its call respect. So I totally stop askkking him to visit my parents. when my parents ask, at first I covered for him but eventually i just told them that he does not like to visit them.But I confront him about respect for my parents so he told me by his books, he has been very respectful in the 2 hours visit he does yearly. And due to that, I have to show repect to his parents. When i just don't acknoweldge his parents, he feels I disrespect them and I get and another divorce threat.
So i tell people, do not create monsters out of their kids. they will grow up to be another person's curse.
The most funny part is when he push me to get pregnant so that he think a kid will bring him joy. I thought that we are constantly on the verge of divorce, I did not want to create another life and have to suffer through this. But during pregnancy, the woman can get cranky. When I have bad days, I am unhappy. I do get verbally thrashed for just being unhappy. He said he will not say good things because I did not say good things for that moment - so it gives him right to escalated into a shout down to me. Besides that, I know I almost got pregnant a coupel of time but was unable to sustain it cause I do have some fertility issues which I am seeking treatment. But also once again, he had been unsupportive. So its just fated loh. I told him before, that if he wants a kid, he need to have the "fu qi". We never had the "fu qi" cuse we are always quarrelling and that drive all luck out the window. I also did not want to bear the burden by myself if I ever have a child. I doubt I can rely on him at all.
misty, whatever differences that your in laws and husband have with you, they should not dragged your mum into it. To curse your mum is even worse. And if your MIL has problems with the food you cook and the housework done, then she is always welcome to do it herself, according to her own standard.
Whatever decision you take, think it over calmly. My good friend went thru' hell in her marriage. Hubby was good-looking. She married young at 21, and barely 6 mths into the marriage, her husband used a belt on her. I was with her at SGH. The marks were on her stomach. Her MIL and SILs even encouraged her hubby to divorce her when she had a miscarriage. My friend wanted to hold on to the marriage, and put up with all verbal and physical abuses. He eventually divorced her after 8 years of marriage. He migrated to Canada, and the lawyer serve the paper on his behalf. He left a huge debt for her to clear. Took a while for my fren to come to terms. Now, she has pick up the pieces in her life and is looking great. She actually looks much better now that he is out of her life. She is dating other men now.
Find your inner peace. At the end of the day it is you and the people who cares for you that matters. Take good care of yourself, and pamper yourself.
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mistyblue, I feel really sad to read about your situation. It's truly heart-wrenching. I hope that you will be assertive enough to leave this toxic family behind because by staying on, they will just continue to erode you bit by bit.
Sometimes we end up in bad situations and it may or may not be anyone's fault. I know you are being introspective and retrospective at times but I think planning for your future is more important right now.
Before things get worse, it might be a better idea to bail out. Disassociate yourself with this bunch of maladjusted people! They will only burden you and make you feel worse and worse about your life.
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I am so glad that I have a mom who is modern and understanding.
We had open discussions about this issue several times. She understands that I'm a single-income earner trying to pave my way on foreign land all by myself and she and dad has refused to accept any money from me because they know that they are much better off than me at this stage and they would rather I spend the money to build up my future. I am so thankful that they are so enlightened because it would be a tremendous burden to me if I had to juggle everything here alone, AND support them financially as well at this stage.
Do not have children because you expect them to look after you in your old age. It's better to buy insurance or spend your money on worthwhile investments and retirement plans if that is what you are after. Children are NOT some commodity that you 'invest' time and money in and then expect them to work to support you AND their own families for the rest of your life. That is tantamount to slavery, if you look at it from another perspective.
Filial piety is of course, a huge bonus if it happens, but it should not be THE raison d'etre, ie. THE driving force, for having children.
It gets harder and harder to make a living as the years go by. These days, be thankful if your children do not need financial assistance to get started in their own lives when they graduate and start their career, and when they get married. You think it's hard to make a living now, wait till 25 years later when your own kids grow up and graduate and get married and start looking at buying their own apartment. By then, natural inflation would mean that they will be looking at much higher costs and the buying power of their disposable incomes will be much diminished.
Have children when you have the resources to give them a headstart in life, not to bog them down with the selfish expectation that they will have to look after you and provide for you in your old age.
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tat must be the stupidiest retirement planning....
for all who are new to club30... just cos we are now one of the top forums and calling ourselves club30... tat doesn't mean we are all in 30s and conforming to social norms...
we are a bunch of straight forward ppl with common sense and strong personal opinions... so pls... DUN BRING UR STUPIDITY HERE!!!
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Originally posted by 16/f/lonely:
Rather quick on the uptake as to what could have been the subsequent posts.....
i know i know.....i was just trying to suggest that nothing is black and white...there is grey areas to everything.That time when i wanted a copy of the decree nisi, i called the law firm....the girl who answered my call was kinda sneering into the phone to say that they dont give copies to the defendant.
I told her to tell the lawyer to call me and do check that the payment was issued by me or my hub before she talks to me again.
The lawyer called instead to confirm that i was the paymaster and the document is ready for collection.
anyway, the bill was made out by that girl and i know she went to overcharged everything. I no longer speaks to both lawyers because of the overcharging.
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a fren parents invested heavily on a eldest child.
the eldest child died in a accident.
now the 2nd child is grudgingly trying to support parents and refusing to marry and have children.
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IF I ever have a child, I'd make sure he becomes independent emotionally and financially when he reaches 18. He should have learnt how to take care of himself.
And if possible, my kid should move out and chart his own path in life.
I wouldn't be depending on him/her for a single dime during my retirement.